The reason I will never eat anything from Walmart again in this lifetime

It's not that the deli section is bad; on the contrary, they have pretty good food for pretty damn cheap. Every fiber of my college student being rejoices in this. The less money I have to spend on conveniently pre-cooked food that I don't have to turn on a stove for, the better. (I made dinner tonight and it was pretty good, though. I am impressed with myself.) Also, I am done eating at Taco Bell for the reason of it being cheap and filling. I hate fast food. Ugh.

Anyway... onto the reasoning.

Once upon a time when I was really hungry after not eating all day because I woke up late for my early class and  didn't eat breakfast because I spent too long putting in my contacts because it has been getting increasingly difficult for some reason... I went to Walmart with my mom and sister after I was done for the day. I sat in the backseat of the car, stomach crying out for nourishment after a long day of class, then studying, then more class and some practicing just waiting for my next meal. The idea then struck me that I was hungry for Chinese food. It must be that I think about eating Chinese food twice a day because it is my favorite out of all food nationalities. Also, there is a type of Chinese food for every kind of hunger besides like... gravy or cheese. (cheese hungers are brutal) I didn't want Panda Express because we used to eat it so incredibly often when my mom was married to her last husband so that was out of the question. Jumbo Buffet was way on the other side of town and doesn't have takeout. Beijing is kind of pricey, Dynasty is the same way, Ocean Palace is near Jumbo Buffet, Wok Inn is all the way in Stockton, and Wok King by my house closed. Other than those places, I don't know any of the other places in town and I just wanted something super cheap.

Walmart has a rendition of my favorite kind of Chinese... the kind that fit my hunger description. Three bucks. HAD TO HAVE.

WELL, if I had known what was going to happen I would have gone home and stuck my head in the toilet instead. I sauntered happily into Walmart, eyes aglow with anticipation, stomach singing L'Arie pour le Nourriture Chinoise, debit card smiling because it wasn't going to have all of its funds ripped out... it sounded like a fantastic thing was going to happen. I approached the deli counter, waited for the people with a BILLION children in front of me and eyeballed the glass case before me. They actually had it this time, unlike last time that I went there and had to settle for barbecue chicken or something. (side note: I just learned that barbecue is not spelled with a q. I always thought it was barbeque...) When it was finally my turn I stepped forward and said "Could I get a medium container of the General Tso's chicken please? I've been craving it all day!" I am usually this enthusiastic and chipper with everyone. I figure there's no point in being gloomy all the time. That makes me feel depressed. In fact, my customers at work oftentimes ask me if I am on something or what I had from the cafe. If they ask what I have from the cafe I say "Iced caramel macchiato with no whip. Would you like me to order one for you from the cafe? I can do that from my register, you know..." As a matter of fact, I usually look like this:

I think it is pretty accurate except my teeth are not that white. The only person on the earth who has teeth that white is Paula Dean.

I digress.

So I get my food, the lady behind the counter tells me to "eat up" since I said I have been starving all day, and I am about to skip merrily through the store to find my mother so we can go home... and then this lady who was standing there with her two small children and participating in the little purchasing banter says something along the lines of "are you having a baby?" because I said I had been craving it all day.

I don't ever recall being speechless. I always have something to say. At that point I had so little to say that I reverted into rudeness. I said something along the lines of "no.................................... but thanks for asking?" before walking away. I swear I blacked out I was so mad/embarassed/furious/sad/irate/confused. Of course my first thought was "do I look pregnant?" and then "Am I old enough to be pregnant?" and then "why the hell would you ask someone that??????" In the lady's defense she also said something along the lines of "because I used to crave stuff all the time when I was pregnant with this one here..." BUT ALAS... THE DAMAGE HAD BEEN DONE ALREADY. I thought it was common knowledge that the only reason you would ask someone if they are pregnant would be if they are approximately 8 months pregnant and look like they are smuggling a beach ball full of cocaine or something. My sister was dying about the whole thing too. I'm NEVER speechless. I can always think of something to say, even if it's just "yeah well you don't know what you're talking about you stupid person" or "I have nothing to say to that. Thanks." I walked down the aisles, my food in my hand, with absolutely no appetite to eat it anymore... or anything ever again, for that matter. Usually when I am offended or mad I smile and even laugh. This was the case. Smiling like I had just aced a theory final (maybe not THAT enthusiastic... I nearly pee myself when I get a B.) I strolled, looking for my mommy and listening to my sister snicker as I repeated "I can't believe that... I've never been so offended" over and over again. I looked a bit like this:

When we finally found my mom, she was in the greeting card aisle. I told her the whole story and she laughed. I then became so angry that I scarfed down ALL of the chicken except for two pieces and gave my mom the rest of it. I then proceeded to make snide remarks for the duration of the trip about how I was "too pregnant" to do stuff even though it's COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. There is not one ounce of possibility to this whole situation... but I am dieting from now until forever.

Also, this will come in handy when it comes time to audition for Pirates of Penzance soon. I don't think I will get cast as Mabel because I don't believe I have the voice for it but I certainly don't look the part. She's supposed to be the prettiest of all the maidens but I am 9 feet tall so that makes things difficult and then I am not paper thin so there we go. Zero chance. If I eat nothing but saltines, celery, and water from now till auditions there may be a 1 in a hundred chance. I'LL TAKE IT.

No more Walmart deli food ever, though. No more saying "craving".
From now on it's Subway or nothing and using the term "hankering" instead.


Doggone, I sure have a hankerin' for some daggone Subway! Them city folks sure know how to make them sandwiches!


Blegh.