Motivation can be surprisingly hard to come by... especially in this case

So my topic this evening is dieting.

Yes... most of us have been there. How do you even begin one of these monstrosities? It's really easy to say "I need to go on a diet" or "man... I would really love to fit in those old jeans again" or even "I've eaten way too much Taco Bell in the last month. I'm going on a diet FOR FOREVER". Stringing together a group of words can be surprisingly easy: Following them is significantly more difficult.

I think it was my junior year of high school that I found dieting to be much easier. My mom was doing Weight Watchers and so it was a really convenient time to try it out. I began one day and I stuck to it for an entire month (which is a pretty big deal after being raised in a family where no one says no... ever). I lost quite a bit and I felt really good. I have pretty much maintained that same size since I lost the weight I put on at the beginning of college after I ended up (somewhat forcefully) dropping out of my private school... even though I was eating nothing but Subway, pizza Lunchables, and Powerade. I'm sure it wasn't healthy but hey, I looked healthier!

Around my house whenever I start to eat healthier I get distracted BY THE END OF THE DAY. Despite my willpower, someone hands me a goddamn cupcake and then it's like "Screw it. You only live once!" And then after I eat it, I get this hollow feeling. I think it's guilt.

Yes. It is a guiltcake. Look how scary, yet tempting, it is... and it's going straight to your [insert name of body part you most want to get liposuctioned at this very moment].

I really need something to get me motivated to do this damn thing. When I am in a professional setting and I get the giggles I just think 'if you laugh right now you will never sing at the Metropolitan Opera'. I KID YOU NOT. IT FREAKING WORKS. Giggles = gone forever. Maybe I will have to say that if I don't stick to my diet:

1. I will never make it to the Met.

2. I will never be able to hold a relationship ever.

3. They will take my family captive and send them to Australia with their memories wiped clean of my existence. 

I think maybe that is radical enough....?

4. They will chop off all my limbs and replace them with giant spider legs.

If you think that is awesome, shame on you. Spiders are terrifying. 

Hopefully, though, that list will keep me on track. We shall find out.